Dealing With Disappointment

Ok, I won’t lie and say it’s ok. Because it’s not. To be brutally honest, I am disappointed. Mostly disappointed in myself, for caving in and quitting just because I could not manage trainings and school work. On hindsight, I was probably just lazy.

Women’s Waterpolo. An event that was never included in the SEA Games until this year. Back when I was a kid, I’ve always said “One day I’m going to be in the SEA Games”. Albeit as a swimmer. But when I joined waterpolo, that door suddenly seemed a little more open to me. Suddenly I’m in a proper National Team. Suddenly I’m competing, not with people from other schools, but with people from other countries. And suddenly, I’m wearing a T-shirt with Singapore’s flag on it. Suddenly I’m travelling out of the country with the rest of my teammates to compete. The very thing I’ve dreamed about as a kid has suddenly become reality.

Then Lasalle happened. And I got busy. School started and it was becoming slightly more difficult to keep up my attendance at trainings because if I went for it, I wouldn’t be able to finish my projects. I was getting more tired by the day as trainings tend to end around 9PM. Waking up for school the next day became harder for me. Sometime in 2005, in my 2nd year at Lasalle, I made the decision to quit waterpolo since I told myself that I wasn’t particularly good at it. At the back of my mind, I knew if I kept up with it I would improve. But it was not to be. So I quit, just as I was starting to improve, and starting to become faster. I quit, and thought I was happy.

When I finally graduated from Lasalle, I toyed around with the idea of returning to waterpolo. So what if there isn’t Women’s Waterpolo at the SEA Games? But I kept putting it off. For fear that I cannot swim as much and as fast as before. Which was true. Sometimes when I go swimming, I try, and in vain. It was hard trying to regain my old form. Not that my old form was worth regaining. But at least it was better than not being able to swim a lap without dying of exhaustion. And at least my old form managed to keep up with trainings…somehow. Once again, it was not to be, and I passed my days lazing around at home, pretending to look for a job, and basically doing nothing in particular. I was happy, don’t get me wrong. But I know now that my life was empty.

It has been 5 and a half years since I quit waterpolo. My life now is mostly filled with work. Even if it’s only a temp job. But I miss my ‘days of glory’. So to speak. I know now that the only thing that occupied my happiest moments were my swimming trainings and my waterpolo trainings. They were tiring, but I was happy. I was fulfilled. Now, I go home everyday after work. Eat, shower, sleep. It is a mundane cycle that I cannot get out off. So in an attempt to fill my life with something worth doing, I joined bands. As of now, I’m playing in 3 bands. I’m happy that I have something ‘extra’ to do, even though it does take up a lot of my time. But at least I have something to look forward to, like gigs and stuff. Then I saw that the SEA Games 2011 includes Women’s Waterpolo. It is the first time the Women’s Team will get to compete. Finally. The day everyone has been waiting for.

I know I should be happy that my old teammates get to finally compete at the SEA Games. No longer do they have to sit on the sidelines and cheer the Men’s Team on. And I know, in my heart, that the Women’s Team will return home with a Gold. I am confident of that because I know how good they are (having trained with them before). And I know they have the potential to do so. So why am I disappointed? It’s because I will not get to be there. To achieve something I’d only dreamed about for so many years. I’m disappointed that in the time that I was in waterpolo, I didn’t get the opportunity to do so, and it only happens now that I’ve quit. I guess I should have persevered. And I am gutted at the thought that had I stayed on, I would have been there, no doubt about it. I guess our futures are what we make of it.

So what happens now that I know music will never ever be my first love? What happens now that I know in my heart that the only thing worth doing was something I’ve quit? Can I return to waterpolo? I don’t think so. Not without training for it first. But would they want me back? That is the question. After all, I quit on them. First things first, I have some band audition thing this Saturday. I probably can help my band out first. After which, I will decide. Whether or not to continue with 3 bands, or to just drop 1 or 2. Or try to juggle everything and train on my own in between. So many uncertainties.

Disappointment like that made me realise something though: What the hell am I doing with my life? I must not be very happy with wherever I am now. Otherwise I would not be so disappointed. I need to rethink many things, and to start chasing the dreams that I really want.

However though, not to be a sourpuss or anything, I really, from the bottom of my heart, wish the Women’s Waterpolo Team all the best for their SEA Games debut. Even though I’ll not be there, in my heart, I’m proud. Proud that I once swam with you girls. Maybe one day Tracy will return to the pool. Or maybe you’ll never see me again. But know that I’ll definitely be tuning in to watch your matches and cheering you on from the comfort of my sofa. Bring home the Gold. You ladies can do it. And should I return one day, I will personally congratulate all of you.

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