Telemarketers

Telemarketers. The scum of the working world. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Don’t you just hate it when these people call you up at the most inconvenient of times? Like you could be at work and they call:

[Phone rings]
Me: Hello?
Annoying scum being A.K.A. Telemarketer: Hi! Is this Tracy? Are you free to have a chat?
Me: No, I’m at work.
Telemarketer: Ok, how would you like to try some shit for free etc…

 

Is the concept of ‘Work’ foreign to you? Just because you annoy people for a living does not mean the rest of us have nothing to do when we’re at work.

How about the rude ones? Here’s a doozy:

[Phone rings]
Me: Hello?
Totally rude woman: [takes a long time to reply] Are you Tracy? (In an extremely demanding voice) You have a free trial at True Yoga (in the same demanding rude ass voice)…
Me: It’s ok, I’m not interested.
Woman: [Hangs up phone abruptly]

 

Excuse me, nobody asked you to call me up and pester me into trying shit. Clearly this woman has no sense of Phone Etiquette. If you’re not interested in doing your job properly, then don’t. Don’t take your frustration out on a stranger you called to annoy. I have your number, watch out [Call here for free entertainment: +65 63729590].

 

I can imagine anybody would want to stamp out telemarketers, and make it so unprofitable for companies to hire people to intrude into other people’s lives during their personal time at home that they will stop doing it out of economic necessity (since common decency is foreign to their motivation). One way to do this is to fluster the telemarketer and to take up a great deal of his/her time without giving him/her any business or any information. And it’s way fun.

 

Here’s a list on how to make these telemarketers miserable:

1. If they want to loan you money tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and could sure use some money.

2. If they ask personal questions ask them personal questions back.

3. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or tell them you’re so glad they asked because no one these days seems to care, and you have all these problems; your sciatica is acting up, your eyelashes are sore, your dog just died… and when they try to get to the sell just keep talking about your “problems.”

4. If they want to sell you a newspaper tell them that you can’t read.

5. If they want to wash your windows tell them your house doesn’t have any.

6. If they say they are Joe Doe from the XYZ Company ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company until they give up.

7. Tell them you don’t do business with strangers who are rude enough to call you up after business hours and ask you personal questions. (But this one is too up-front for most of these non-vertebrates.)

8. If you’re a male, one thing you can do to telemarketers (male or female) is this (it’s very rude, though):

Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Spammi and I’m with Canter and Siegel Services…

You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] What are you wearing?

Telemarketer: [Click]

 

9. You could also make up a service of your own and pitch to them.

10. Try to order a pizza.

11. You could cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Spammi! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Spammi, how have you BEEN?” It’s possible you could give Spammi a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

12. The next time the Tupperware Lady calls, ask her if they keep body parts fresh, too.

13. Say “Oh yes, I’d love to talk to you, but I charge for my time by the hour so if you want to continue the conversation, you’ll have to give me a credit card number and expiration date.”

14. There was a T.V. program where a man started his own business to “listen to telemarketing sales pitches.” He advertised once in a regional paper (Wall Street classified), and when he was called he asked the marketer his name, the company name, and the company’s billing address. He allowed the company to pitch their product or service.

He then sent a bill for (you pick it, let’s say $50) to the company. He then followed through in small claims court when the company didn’t pay. He actually has won payments several times.

15. Tell them that you are interested in hearing about their product but you have to quickly get your kid out of the bathtub first. Then put the phone down on the desk or counter and go back to whatever you were doing. This works best if there is music or TV on in the background so they can’t be sure.

Even more evil would be to wait a couple of minutes, then scream a few feet from the phone “Oh my GOD!”, followed by some incoherent wailing about “My baby!” Just hope that the person on the other end of the line doesn’t have a weak ticker….

16. Or if you’ve got a neat hold-phone with a tape deck in it, say something like “Can you hold – putting you through” and then play at least four minutes of the worst music you can dredge up. “Digital Watch Tunes, Volume 6″ or “Xylophone Classics” should be about right. You could also try a tape of the album “Golden Throats” which includes William Shatner singing “Lucy In The Sky With Diamond” and “Mr. Tambourine Man,” among many other musical nightmares. And what about an electronic version of “Fur Elise” or “Harvey the Wonder Hamster.”

17. Just say “no” over and over until they hang up. Be sure to vary the sound of the “no”s, and keep an even tempo even as they speak. Here’s an excerpt from one conversation:

"No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no... no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...
no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no..."

 

18. Get an unlisted number. Use call blocking. Never call 800 numbers from your house, because unlisted or not they’ll still get your number.

19. If they clean rugs ask things like: “Can you get out blood?”, “Can you get out HUMAN blood?”, and “How about GOAT blood?”.

20. If they paint ask: “Can you cover up blood?”, or “Do you paint tents?”

21. If they sell air conditioning ask: “Do you clean my fans?”, or “Can it get that rotting smell out of my house?”

22. If they sell insurance ask: “Do you have retroactive plans?”

23. With charity solicitors ask: “Do you accept sequentially numbered bills?”

24. A simple trick, polite even: whatever they’re selling, tell them you just bought it. Newspaper subscriptions? Why thank you, I already subscribe. Cabinet refacing? Why what a coincidence — we just had ours done! This will always leave them dumbfounded; they don’t have a pre-programmed comeback for it. They’ll say: “uh..well…thanks”, and hang up.

25. Just try to sell them some version of what they’re selling you. If you, for instance, get a call of someone trying to sell you six magazine subscriptions at once..

Them: So are you interested

You: Actually I already have twenty or thirty magazine subscriptions… as a matter of fact I really don’t have time to read them all… I could make you a deal on some of the extras!?

Them: That’s Ok sir, are you sure you wouldn’t like these?

(Throughout next section add in them saying um.. at odd intervals)

You: Oh come on, I really don’t need them, they’re just taking up space. Tell ya what…I’ll give ‘em to ya [Click] for…

You: Hello? Hello?

Always works…

 

26. One way to screw with these guys is to start bawling and crying if they ask for a certain member of the families name. Works great with AT&T, MCI, credit card companies, etc…

When they say, “Is Mr. John Smith there?” you start bawling and tell them that they have passed on. Then go into a spiel about what a great human the person was. How much they meant to you, etc. etc. etc.

Someone once got a lady from some cable company to cry when they asked for his father. She kept going on and on about how sorry she was about disturbing him.

27. If they call for you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan reply: “I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?” in as sinister a voice as possible.

28. Listen to their entire spiel, and feign interest when feedback is necessary (do something else in between). When they’re all done and just needed your credit card number to send out the order, ask the telemarketer to marry you. When they refuse, explain you don’t give your credit card number to complete strangers…

29. Tell them, in as deadpan a voice as possible, that you’re not allowed to have money.

30. When they say “This is Bill from WaterTronics”, say something like:

You: WaterTronics! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?

Bill: Dallas, Texas.

You: Great, they have a group there too? How’s the business?!? How’s the weather?

Bill: Sorry, we can’t sell to employees.

You: Oh, bye then

 

31. This will work on any telemarketer who’s trying to sell you something. After they’re done with their spiel, ask:

You: What if I don’t like [the product]? Are you going to guarantee it?

Them: We will give you a full refund if you’re not satisfied.

You: You misunderstood my question. Are you willing to guarantee that I like the product?

Them: Our company will –

You: That wasn’t the question. [Sharp sigh] Look, are you, personally, willing to guarantee that I like the product? Are you willing to swear, on your honor, that it’s not going to turn out to be a piece of shit?

Them: Uh, well, no, but our –

You: Why the hell are you on the phone selling it, then? I want to speak to someone who will guarantee –

Them: Sir, I don’t think we have anyone like that. Our company’s word is just as good.

You: Fine, then. Put the rest of the company on the phone. I want to hear it from them.

 

32. Guy from say..California Fitness calls and offers trial packages to tone up and keep fit:

Guy: Hi, would you be interested in our packages to keep fit? We have trainers who will help you plan the best way for you to workout and keep fit.
Me: It’s ok, I’m quite fit already. I play waterpolo for Singapore you know. That’s good enough right?
Guy: (sounding slightly intimidated) Ok. Thank you. Bye!

 

33. The ‘going through a tunnel, therefore bad reception’ thing works too:

Telemarketer: Hi! Would you be interested in blah blah blah….
Me: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Telemarketer: (slightly uncertain) Hello? Hi! Would you be interested in blah blah blah….
Me: Hello? Hello? Helllooooo? Hello? Hellooooooooo? Hello?
Telemarketer: [Click]

Works every time.

 

I get that it’s a job and you guys want to make money by shoving your products down another person’s throat. But don’t you get that it’s irritating? What if I called you back and tried to hard sell something to you? Or heckle you into paying for shit you don’t need? And then refuse to hang up. Even if you slammed down the phone, I’ll keep calling back. You wouldn’t like that now would you? I can be way more annoying than any of you. Bunch of persistent annoying freaks. Is there some way I can get my number off some register so people can stop calling me? Companies who encourage crap like that should be bankrupted and shut down. I mean, how indecent is it of them to take our numbers off forms that we fill in for other companies? Isn’t that like some intrusion of privacy? I swear to God, one day I will sue. I say…go work at MacDonalds and leave me alone!

 

*LATE ADDITION to the post (Because I’ve been searching for it the past few minutes):