[Phone rings]
Me: Hello?
Annoying scum being A.K.A. Telemarketer: Hi! Is this Tracy? Are you free to have a chat?
Me: No, I’m at work.
Telemarketer: Ok, how would you like to try some shit for free etc…

Is the concept of ‘Work’ foreign to you? Just because you annoy people for a living does not mean the rest of us have nothing to do when we’re at work.

How about the rude ones? Here’s a doozy:

[Phone rings]
Me: Hello?
Totally rude woman: [takes a long time to reply] Are you Tracy? (In an extremely demanding voice) You have a free trial at True Yoga (in the same demanding rude ass voice)…
Me: It’s ok, I’m not interested.
Woman: [Hangs up phone abruptly]

Excuse me, nobody asked you to call me up and pester me into trying shit. Clearly this woman has no sense of Phone Etiquette. If you’re not interested in doing your job properly, then don’t. Don’t take your frustration out on a stranger you called to annoy. I have your number, watch out [Call here for free entertainment: +65 63729590].

I can imagine anybody would want to stamp out telemarketers, and make it so unprofitable for companies to hire people to intrude into other people’s lives during their personal time at home that they will stop doing it out of economic necessity (since common decency is foreign to their motivation). One way to do this is to fluster the telemarketer and to take up a great deal of his/her time without giving him/her any business or any information. And it’s way fun.

Here’s a list on how to make these telemarketers miserable:

1. If they want to loan you money tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and could sure use some money.

2. If they ask personal questions ask them personal questions back.

3. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or tell them you’re so glad they asked because no one these days seems to care, and you have all these problems; your sciatica is acting up, your eyelashes are sore, your dog just died… and when they try to get to the sell just keep talking about your “problems.”

4. If they want to sell you a newspaper tell them that you can’t read.

5. If they want to wash your windows tell them your house doesn’t have any.

6. If they say they are Joe Doe from the XYZ Company ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company until they give up.

7. Tell them you don’t do business with strangers who are rude enough to call you up after business hours and ask you personal questions. (But this one is too up-front for most of these non-vertebrates.)

8. If you’re a male, one thing you can do to telemarketers (male or female) is this (it’s very rude, though):

Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Spammi and I’m with Canter and Siegel Services…

You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] What are you wearing?

Telemarketer: [Click]

9. You could also make up a service of your own and pitch to them.

10. Try to order a pizza.

11. You could cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Spammi! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Spammi, how have you BEEN?” It’s possible you could give Spammi a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

12. The next time the Tupperware Lady calls, ask her if they keep body parts fresh, too.

13. Say “Oh yes, I’d love to talk to you, but I charge for my time by the hour so if you want to continue the conversation, you’ll have to give me a credit card number and expiration date.”

14. There was a T.V. program where a man started his own business to “listen to telemarketing sales pitches.” He advertised once in a regional paper (Wall Street classified), and when he was called he asked the marketer his name, the company name, and the company’s billing address. He allowed the company to pitch their product or service.

He then sent a bill for (you pick it, let’s say $50) to the company. He then followed through in small claims court when the company didn’t pay. He actually has won payments several times.

15. Tell them that you are interested in hearing about their product but you have to quickly get your kid out of the bathtub first. Then put the phone down on the desk or counter and go back to whatever you were doing. This works best if there is music or TV on in the background so they can’t be sure.

Even more evil would be to wait a couple of minutes, then scream a few feet from the phone “Oh my GOD!”, followed by some incoherent wailing about “My baby!” Just hope that the person on the other end of the line doesn’t have a weak ticker….

16. Or if you’ve got a neat hold-phone with a tape deck in it, say something like “Can you hold – putting you through” and then play at least four minutes of the worst music you can dredge up. “Digital Watch Tunes, Volume 6″ or “Xylophone Classics” should be about right. You could also try a tape of the album “Golden Throats” which includes William Shatner singing “Lucy In The Sky With Diamond” and “Mr. Tambourine Man,” among many other musical nightmares. And what about an electronic version of “Fur Elise” or “Harvey the Wonder Hamster.”

17. Just say “no” over and over until they hang up. Be sure to vary the sound of the “no”s, and keep an even tempo even as they speak. Here’s an excerpt from one conversation:

"No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no... no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...
no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no...no..."

18. Get an unlisted number. Use call blocking. Never call 800 numbers from your house, because unlisted or not they’ll still get your number.

19. If they clean rugs ask things like: “Can you get out blood?”, “Can you get out HUMAN blood?”, and “How about GOAT blood?”.

20. If they paint ask: “Can you cover up blood?”, or “Do you paint tents?”

21. If they sell air conditioning ask: “Do you clean my fans?”, or “Can it get that rotting smell out of my house?”

22. If they sell insurance ask: “Do you have retroactive plans?”

23. With charity solicitors ask: “Do you accept sequentially numbered bills?”

24. A simple trick, polite even: whatever they’re selling, tell them you just bought it. Newspaper subscriptions? Why thank you, I already subscribe. Cabinet refacing? Why what a coincidence — we just had ours done! This will always leave them dumbfounded; they don’t have a pre-programmed comeback for it. They’ll say: “uh..well…thanks”, and hang up.

25. Just try to sell them some version of what they’re selling you. If you, for instance, get a call of someone trying to sell you six magazine subscriptions at once..

Them: So are you interested

You: Actually I already have twenty or thirty magazine subscriptions… as a matter of fact I really don’t have time to read them all… I could make you a deal on some of the extras!?

Them: That’s Ok sir, are you sure you wouldn’t like these?

(Throughout next section add in them saying um.. at odd intervals)

You: Oh come on, I really don’t need them, they’re just taking up space. Tell ya what…I’ll give ‘em to ya [Click] for…

You: Hello? Hello?

Always works…

26. One way to screw with these guys is to start bawling and crying if they ask for a certain member of the families name. Works great with AT&T, MCI, credit card companies, etc…

When they say, “Is Mr. John Smith there?” you start bawling and tell them that they have passed on. Then go into a spiel about what a great human the person was. How much they meant to you, etc. etc. etc.

Someone once got a lady from some cable company to cry when they asked for his father. She kept going on and on about how sorry she was about disturbing him.

27. If they call for you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan reply: “I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?” in as sinister a voice as possible.

28. Listen to their entire spiel, and feign interest when feedback is necessary (do something else in between). When they’re all done and just needed your credit card number to send out the order, ask the telemarketer to marry you. When they refuse, explain you don’t give your credit card number to complete strangers…

29. Tell them, in as deadpan a voice as possible, that you’re not allowed to have money.

30. When they say “This is Bill from WaterTronics”, say something like:

You: WaterTronics! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?

Bill: Dallas, Texas.

You: Great, they have a group there too? How’s the business?!? How’s the weather?

Bill: Sorry, we can’t sell to employees.

You: Oh, bye then

31. This will work on any telemarketer who’s trying to sell you something. After they’re done with their spiel, ask:

You: What if I don’t like [the product]? Are you going to guarantee it?

Them: We will give you a full refund if you’re not satisfied.

You: You misunderstood my question. Are you willing to guarantee that I like the product?

Them: Our company will –

You: That wasn’t the question. [Sharp sigh] Look, are you, personally, willing to guarantee that I like the product? Are you willing to swear, on your honor, that it’s not going to turn out to be a piece of shit?

Them: Uh, well, no, but our –

You: Why the hell are you on the phone selling it, then? I want to speak to someone who will guarantee –

Them: Sir, I don’t think we have anyone like that. Our company’s word is just as good.

You: Fine, then. Put the rest of the company on the phone. I want to hear it from them.

32. Guy from say..California Fitness calls and offers trial packages to tone up and keep fit:

Guy: Hi, would you be interested in our packages to keep fit? We have trainers who will help you plan the best way for you to workout and keep fit.
Me: It’s ok, I’m quite fit already. I play waterpolo for Singapore you know. That’s good enough right?
Guy: (sounding slightly intimidated) Ok. Thank you. Bye!

33. The ‘going through a tunnel, therefore bad reception’ thing works too:

Telemarketer: Hi! Would you be interested in blah blah blah….
Me: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Telemarketer: (slightly uncertain) Hello? Hi! Would you be interested in blah blah blah….
Me: Hello? Hello? Helllooooo? Hello? Hellooooooooo? Hello?
Telemarketer: [Click]

Works every time.

I get that it’s a job and you guys want to make money by shoving your products down another person’s throat. But don’t you get that it’s irritating? What if I called you back and tried to hard sell something to you? Or heckle you into paying for shit you don’t need? And then refuse to hang up. Even if you slammed down the phone, I’ll keep calling back. You wouldn’t like that now would you? I can be way more annoying than any of you. Bunch of persistent annoying freaks. Is there some way I can get my number off some register so people can stop calling me? Companies who encourage crap like that should be bankrupted and shut down. I mean, how indecent is it of them to take our numbers off forms that we fill in for other companies? Isn’t that like some intrusion of privacy? I swear to God, one day I will sue. I say…go work at MacDonalds and leave me alone!

*LATE ADDITION to the post (Because I’ve been searching for it the past few minutes):

Break The 8 will be playing a set this Saturday [19th November 2011] at Actors Bar from 930pm. Come on down, bring your friends, and say Hi to us! The cover charge of $16 includes 1 drink.

Address is below:

If you’re coming, give me a shoutout! The band would love to have you there! Text me if you have my number, drop me an email if you have my email address, or better yet, comment on here and I’ll get in touch with you

1. Turn you into an emo basket case.

2. Make you more determined to chase down and ‘rectify’ that which caused said disappointment.

I like to think I’m capable of the second option. So for the next couple of months, Tracy’s going hardcore. I’m going to train the crap out of myself so I’ll be fighting fit enough to go back to waterpolo without feeling like I’ll drown after 1 lap. Feel like doing a Haka now. At 2am in the morning.

This is hilarious. I laughed so much when I first saw it.

Ok, I won’t lie and say it’s ok. Because it’s not. To be brutally honest, I am disappointed. Mostly disappointed in myself, for caving in and quitting just because I could not manage trainings and school work. On hindsight, I was probably just lazy.

Women’s Waterpolo. An event that was never included in the SEA Games until this year. Back when I was a kid, I’ve always said “One day I’m going to be in the SEA Games”. Albeit as a swimmer. But when I joined waterpolo, that door suddenly seemed a little more open to me. Suddenly I’m in a proper National Team. Suddenly I’m competing, not with people from other schools, but with people from other countries. And suddenly, I’m wearing a T-shirt with Singapore’s flag on it. Suddenly I’m travelling out of the country with the rest of my teammates to compete. The very thing I’ve dreamed about as a kid has suddenly become reality.

Then Lasalle happened. And I got busy. School started and it was becoming slightly more difficult to keep up my attendance at trainings because if I went for it, I wouldn’t be able to finish my projects. I was getting more tired by the day as trainings tend to end around 9PM. Waking up for school the next day became harder for me. Sometime in 2005, in my 2nd year at Lasalle, I made the decision to quit waterpolo since I told myself that I wasn’t particularly good at it. At the back of my mind, I knew if I kept up with it I would improve. But it was not to be. So I quit, just as I was starting to improve, and starting to become faster. I quit, and thought I was happy.

When I finally graduated from Lasalle, I toyed around with the idea of returning to waterpolo. So what if there isn’t Women’s Waterpolo at the SEA Games? But I kept putting it off. For fear that I cannot swim as much and as fast as before. Which was true. Sometimes when I go swimming, I try, and in vain. It was hard trying to regain my old form. Not that my old form was worth regaining. But at least it was better than not being able to swim a lap without dying of exhaustion. And at least my old form managed to keep up with trainings…somehow. Once again, it was not to be, and I passed my days lazing around at home, pretending to look for a job, and basically doing nothing in particular. I was happy, don’t get me wrong. But I know now that my life was empty.

It has been 5 and a half years since I quit waterpolo. My life now is mostly filled with work. Even if it’s only a temp job. But I miss my ‘days of glory’. So to speak. I know now that the only thing that occupied my happiest moments were my swimming trainings and my waterpolo trainings. They were tiring, but I was happy. I was fulfilled. Now, I go home everyday after work. Eat, shower, sleep. It is a mundane cycle that I cannot get out off. So in an attempt to fill my life with something worth doing, I joined bands. As of now, I’m playing in 3 bands. I’m happy that I have something ‘extra’ to do, even though it does take up a lot of my time. But at least I have something to look forward to, like gigs and stuff. Then I saw that the SEA Games 2011 includes Women’s Waterpolo. It is the first time the Women’s Team will get to compete. Finally. The day everyone has been waiting for.

I know I should be happy that my old teammates get to finally compete at the SEA Games. No longer do they have to sit on the sidelines and cheer the Men’s Team on. And I know, in my heart, that the Women’s Team will return home with a Gold. I am confident of that because I know how good they are (having trained with them before). And I know they have the potential to do so. So why am I disappointed? It’s because I will not get to be there. To achieve something I’d only dreamed about for so many years. I’m disappointed that in the time that I was in waterpolo, I didn’t get the opportunity to do so, and it only happens now that I’ve quit. I guess I should have persevered. And I am gutted at the thought that had I stayed on, I would have been there, no doubt about it. I guess our futures are what we make of it.

So what happens now that I know music will never ever be my first love? What happens now that I know in my heart that the only thing worth doing was something I’ve quit? Can I return to waterpolo? I don’t think so. Not without training for it first. But would they want me back? That is the question. After all, I quit on them. First things first, I have some band audition thing this Saturday. I probably can help my band out first. After which, I will decide. Whether or not to continue with 3 bands, or to just drop 1 or 2. Or try to juggle everything and train on my own in between. So many uncertainties.

Disappointment like that made me realise something though: What the hell am I doing with my life? I must not be very happy with wherever I am now. Otherwise I would not be so disappointed. I need to rethink many things, and to start chasing the dreams that I really want.

However though, not to be a sourpuss or anything, I really, from the bottom of my heart, wish the Women’s Waterpolo Team all the best for their SEA Games debut. Even though I’ll not be there, in my heart, I’m proud. Proud that I once swam with you girls. Maybe one day Tracy will return to the pool. Or maybe you’ll never see me again. But know that I’ll definitely be tuning in to watch your matches and cheering you on from the comfort of my sofa. Bring home the Gold. You ladies can do it. And should I return one day, I will personally congratulate all of you.

I cannot believe I actually stayed up until 3am just to watch the General Elections results. I cannot believe that I actually cared for it. I just have to say: If PAP does not buck up, I predict they will fall within the next 2 Elections. PAP, start acting like you actually care for the people.

In its worst showing since 1963, the PAP only managed to sweep an overall 60.1% of votes, dropping from 67% in 2006. I do hope it is a wakeup call for them. The time has come for them to start serving the people rather than money. I do not see the reason for them to keep increasing their own cushy salaries. Channel the money for good instead.

Heavy loss to my Cabinet: PM Lee

I am sorry to see George Yeo go though. He is a nice man and an awesome minister. However, he was the lesser of two evils. On one hand, I really want him to remain in Parliament, on the other hand, I want there to be more Opposition voices in Parliament, and the current Worker’s Party team in Aljunied seem the most fit for the job.

Some people have been blaming Aljunied voters for the loss of a fine Foreign Minister, Senior Minister of State for Foreign Affairs, and a Minister in the Prime Minister’s Office. I resent that (because I am also an Aljunied voter). If this PAP team cannot lose, why is there even an Elections in the first place? Going into this, and unless they are so arrogant that they can’t see it, I’m pretty sure there was a chance that they would lose. They should have prepared for it. It should not be a surprise. Especially not after MM Lee angered the Aljunied voters by saying we will have to ‘repent’ the next 5 years if the Worker’s Party wins. Sir, with all due respect, it’s 2011. You may have done a lot for this country, and people in the past may have cowered in fear at the first sign of a threat, but things are different now. The more you threaten us, the more we wouldn’t want to let you win. I will not be surprised if the majority of the votes for the opposition came because of what you have said. And because of what you said, George Yeo has become your sacrificial lamb. Thou shalt not dig thy own grave.

And how about the flawed GRC system? Because of it, good ministers are gone in one fell swoop, and airheads like Tin Pei Ling can ride on the coattails of more successful men into Parliament. It is a sad day for Singapore. Mark my words, the moment this young bimbo opens her mouth, people are going to pick up pickets and start a protest march. Not that they aren’t already. Tin Pei Ling is a joke that has run its course and is no longer funny. Just pathetic. Like I said, a circus, and she is the bumbling elephant people get tired of laughing at.

How about PAP’s strategy of putting all its eggs into one basket? Sure sure, a strong team may seem intimidating, and people will most likely vote for the seemingly stronger team with the better portfolios. I really think that they are too arrogant to even think of the possibility of losing. If they had seen this problem from all sides, they wouldn’t have lost the best Foreign Minister they can ever ask for. Well, it’s your fault PAP. And you should have expected a lost after what your beloved Minister Mentor said.

In other wards, poor Chiam See Tong. Maybe if he remained in Potong Pasir instead of moving to Bishan-Toa Payoh, he might still have won. Now he has lost Bishan-Toa Payoh, and his wife lost Potong Pasir. However you the man! Thank you for your 27 years of service. Thank you for standing up to the PAP even though you were just one man. Now it is time to rest. Your legacy will still remain in the hearts of people.

So the Opposition has rightfully won 6 seats in Parliament. It’s a start I guess. At least it’s an improvement over 2006′s 2 seats. Perhaps one day we will finally see a bi-party government where Democracy will be well and truly practised. From this year’s results, I don’t think we’ll have long to wait. Sometimes change is not necessarily a bad thing.